But first, I have to say that I was absolutely blown away by everyone’s support and everyone’s stories. And it made me incredibly sad that so many of you have bullying stories and that so many of you are still affected by bullying or are being affected right now.
I keep saying it breaks my heart but honestly my heart is shattering over and over again every time I hear a new story.
But I’m also really happy and proud of you all for sharing and wanting to help and wanting to make change. You are awesome.
Megan Kelley Hall and I have started a Facebook page. Please join. There’s a ton of cool authors and readers who already have. It’s going to be one of our go-to places to spread the word and plan out ideas.
And now I’m going to tell a bully story. It’s not about me. It’s about my daughter, Em of Awesome, and she’s given me permission, I swear.
STORY #!
So, when Em was four she went to a Waldorf nursery school. I took her there so she could know how to hang with other kids and also because I love the whole Waldorf philosophy which is, "the human being is fundamentally a spiritual being and that all human beings deserve respect as the embodiment of their spiritual nature."
So, Em had gone there for about a month when I came to pick her up. Her little cotton dress was all ripped up and her face was splotched because she’d been crying. The teachers were all consoling and talking to another little girl, Hannah. Em threw herself into my arms and I said, “What happened, baby?” because that is what mommies ask.
And she said, “Hannah threw me down and told me she was a lion and was going to eat me up and she ripped my dress and wouldn’t let me up.”
And I hugged her and asked her what the teachers did and she said, “They are talking to Hannah.”
And I said, “Did they talk to you?”
And she said, “No.”
So, I went and talked to the teachers (who are all lovely by the way) and I asked them what happened and they said the same thing as Em. And then they told me that Hannah had been jealous of Em who was somehow really good at sewing and reading and basically everything so Hannah was acting out her rage. And I asked if Hannah was told that it wasn’t cool to rip another girl’s dress, threaten to kill her, and tackle her. And they told me that they hadn’t because Hannah was merely expressing herself. And then I asked if anyone had comforted Em. And they said, “No. We were focusing on Hannah.”
And this is when I took Em out of the school forever because I honestly thought the spiritual growth and support of the bullied, beaten-up kid was just as important as the spiritual growth and worth of the kid who bullied.
Story #2
Em has been bullied again, but never to a horrible extreme, and she’s lucky. And she’s also turned into one of those kids who stands up for other people who are being bullied. One time a boy in third grade was tormenting a girl in the lunch line because of her eye shape. The girl was Aleutian. Em (who has always had wicked verbal skills) went up one side of him and down the other and announced to everyone, “M- has the most beautiful eyes ever.”
Story #3
Another time she battled an Ed Tech who told one of her friends during PE that she threw the ball “like she was retarded.” (Sorry. I hate that word.) Yes, the Ed Tech worked with special needs kids. Yes, the Ed Tech saw nothing wrong with what she said. Yes, Em’s friend cried and cried about it. She had issues with reading back then. The Ed Tech knew that. She bullied her right into a sobbing mess on the gym floor.
Story #4
We were at a big conference in LA full of children’s book writers and the key note speaker was hanging out talking by the pool. Em waited her turn and told him how much she loved his books. She was pretty small so he looked kind of shocked that she had read them. Anyways, he was super nice and they were talking when three people who wanted to be children’s writers came over and shoved her out of the way to talk to him. Seriously, they just pushed her. Author Man got this shocked/stunned looked and asked if Em was okay. The ladies? Didn’t even blink. Em wasn’t a person to them, and I think a lot of the time that’s what happens. Bullies forget that they are bullying people with feelings and coolness and quirks and emotions. Or maybe they don’t forget? Maybe they just don’t care.
Em is a quiet kid, but she’s fierce, and she is so lucky that she’s had the opportunity to be so fierce and strong and what kills me is that so many of us don’t. So many of us don’t have the tools to keep dealing with bullies over and over again. So many of us don’t know that other people have had to deal with it, too. So many of us don’t realize that we aren’t alone, that we aren’t the only one with our dress ripped, or called names, or physically attacked.
That’s why we all have to do whatever small thing we can. That might be standing up like Em; it might be joining a Facebook page; it might be telling our stories; it might just be giving someone a hug. But it’s something.
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Comments
Except for the mom being cool part.
There wasn't. My class just decided to walk out and go to lunch and the teacher had been too bullied to say anything, so it would have gone unnoticed...but I had unknowingly alerted the school authorities and my class was punished. On the train back home, the kids in my class surrounded me and were yelling and threatening me, and no adult even said anything. I had to get off at the wrong stop and take a bus home.
That story about Em being brutalized and the teachers ignoring her just astounds me. I don't even get the logic of focusing entirely on the bully.
I remember being bullied by a teacher as well. My mother had me work on a bat mitzvah project on India (a big twenty page paper) to practice and hone my writing skills. When I presented it to my teacher, he said "You know, freaks like you will never have friends, all you do is read. You aren't normal and you won't amount to much, because show offs never do."
Hugs to Em and you for standing up for her!
Thank you so much for sharing those stories.
Secondly, I love that you're doing these posts, as much as I hate that you HAVE to do them. Bullying is an evil that will probably never die, but the more people try to make others aware of it, the less victims there will be of it!
I hate that I have to do it, too. I hate that it exists. I hate that Em HAS to be strong, you know? I hate that other kids have to be, that adults do, that people make such pain for each other.
And I can completely sympathize w/story #1. I was in preschool (Methodist) and I was climbing up on the jungle gym behind another girl. I wasn't crowding her or anything, just working my way to the top like she was. She didn't want me there, so she stomped on my hands as hard as she could until I let go. I went in and told the teachers, showing them my bruised and bloodied knuckles. And guess who got punished? Me! For being a tattletale. It was one of the most shocking lessons of my life that someone would hurt me and I'd tell someone in authority about it and they would punish *me* for telling rather than punish the bully.
Crazy, crazy stuff. Like I said, so glad Em has you to support her through all this! *hugs*
Okay. Are you serious? You got punished for being a tattletale? What is wrong with this world. That makes me so angry. And what a freaking lesson for your little self to learn. Grrr.... I am so mad that I want to start off every sentence with ‘dude.’ (That’s a big indicator for me).
*hugs back*
I am so glad you loved them. Thank you so much for telling me.
Actually, it annoys me.
But, anyway, it also cracks me up because I’m thinking, “No, she rebels against me by becoming a super confident cool woman.”
Then I pretend it was all part of my clever plan all along.
Thanks for doing all this when you're so busy. Even though I really, truly hate Facebook (I have had a serious incident relating to it before and was advised to close my account) I am going to reopen it and join this group. If there is ANYTHING I can do, please let me know. I would do anything - write a story, talk about this on my blog... I'll do that. I could highlight this for other readers in the UK. Phoebe's story was covered over here, I think in part because she was from Ireland, but also because it was just tragic... so POINTLESS. I am angry and heartbroken every time I think of it.
Carrie, I have been bullied in school, and I have also been bullied as an ADULT in recent years at a job. Consider me part of this & let me know what I can do.
*hugs*
Karen
I am so sorry you had some horrible Facebook incident. That’s terrible! Thank you so much for wanting to be involved. I would LOVE to have you blog about it or write a story or both. Thank you so much.
Phoebe’s story is so terrible tragic and I am so sorry you’ve ever been bullied. You are such a lovely, lovely, brilliant, amazing person and I am so super honored to be your friend.
xo
I have rethought the FB thing (I reactivated my account and joined the group you've started, and then... well, I just don't want to go back on there after all) but I so want to be involved. I will be reading your blog and Megan's blog and keeping up with what is happening!
Thank you, Carrie and Megan, for the Facebook page.
So in the 3rd grade me and this girl... let's call her Ash... did not get along. I believe it was because I looked different ( I have a rare form of dwarfism so I was very small and very skinny). She thought it would be fun to play "cops & robbers" where I was the robber and she was the cop. Reluctantly, I agreed to play. Come to find out, this 'cop' really likes to choke instead of put her robbers in handcuffs. So I was finally squirmed my way out from her grasp, out from under the slides and ran straight to the teacher's rest area. But Ash got to me and pulled me aside and told me not to tell. And I told her to "Stop trying to control me, you can't control people smaller than you." and she told me that I was a spoiled brat.
I reached my two teachers and told them what happened. Astonishingly, they did not believe me because she turned on those "crocodile tears" and told them that I called HER names... not the other way around. My math teacher did not like me... she was actually a very unpleasant woman. She used to ask me if I was scared of her all of the time and mock me in-front of my math class because I wasn't as fast as everybody else. So guess who she sided with? Yup, that's right. My math teacher and the 'rest of my subjects' teacher asked for my side of the story. I told them... and Ash started whaling louder - I told them she was lying, "Come on, look at those fake tears!" And Ash countered to where Mrs. B ( my math teacher) said, "I know Ash honey, we all know she's lying, I'm trying to get her to admit it." I was shocked and hurt. I sarcastically said, "Yea.. I lied about everything" and Mrs. B forced me to give Ash a hug. They told me to go back inside the classroom so they could talk to Ash more. When I went in... all the kids were hoping I "won." Everyone knew Ash was a bully in some way.
Luckily my parents got the principle involved and Mrs. B from that day on had to be a little more courteous to me though it was obvious she hated it. Mrs. B retired that year - YAY! haha... but even though that was such a hard experience and you wonder why can kids act so mean... or why did that adult act like a child. I've moved on and have gotten stronger by the experience. Because I've learned that if you respect yourself 1st, what other people say to you just doesn't compare to the high regard you have for yourself.
And so much for being bad in math - I've made an A in Calculus 2 college math - so much for that! WOO haha
1. You are good in math.
2. Your parents got involved.
3. Mrs. B. retired.
4. You’ve gotten stronger.
You sound pretty amazing.
Thank you for sharing this with me.
I didn't realize I was in such a big club until I read your post yesterday...I got out of high school ASAP (proficiency test) because I was tired of verbal harassment, people laughing at me as I walked by, and school administration's lack of support. ("Kids can be cruel.") To this day, I have self-esteem issues.
You'd think there'd be changes made when victims started bringing guns to school to settle the score with bullies. But it doesn't seem to be happening.
I've been working at lots of different schools as a sub aide, and fortunately, I haven't seen any bullying (I know it could be happening, but at least not right under my nose). I was a little nervous about working around teens, but aside from an "Ugly Betty" remark that may (or may not) have been aimed at me, I've been pleasantly surprised.
Happy Easter!
I hope you know you've helped to give Em the skills she needs to stand up for herself and her friends.
Joining the Facebook page. Happy Easter! Jeni
I’m honestly not sure how much of Em’s strength comes from any of my mommy practices. She’s a fierce fighter about certain things and it sometimes seems she was just born that way.
Thank you sooooo much for joining that page. Happy Easter to you, too!
Thank you for starting this group with Megan and wanting to make a difference. I'm proud to be a part of this group and will do anything I can to help
But I am also thrilled — THRILLED — that instead of letting that experience make her scared and timid, that instead Em learned to stick up for herself and others. Go, Em! :)
Yeah, Em is a toughie, most of the time. ;)
And I am so terribly sorry that people were so mean to you when you were little. That’s just horrible, but I am SO GLAD that you had great friends and family to help you.
It’s so interesting to hear about public schools switching to uniforms. Wow.
Love
Kerry
http://mountainmist.livejournal.com/195