carriejones

My tweets

2013-06-15T12:01:54Z

Fri, 17:49: RT @SusanSarandon: Situation in #Turkey spiraling! Join me & @amnesty and send message to Turkish authorities to end abuses now: http://t.c…

My tweets

2013-06-14T12:01:44Z

Thu, 22:09: I'm ridiculously proud of the awesome Michelle Nagler (the editor for the NEED series) who is about to start a new chapter of amazing things

My tweets

2013-06-13T12:02:01Z

Thu, 00:14: Deer and Dogs http://t.co/z9p49Ryw2S

Deer and Dogs

2013-06-13T00:14:32Z

So, while walking the Scotticus today, (obligatory Scotty picture below), he suddenly stopped and did a mini lunge. It wasn’t one of his THERE IS A DOG AND IT IS A THREAT lunges. Nor was it one of his GET BACK GET BACK DRUNK PLUMBER WHO IS ON THE SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY lunge. It was a much milder lunge.

Hello! I am Scotticus! I bark.

And then I looked up to see what he was lunging at and there was a deer in the woods right next to the road. The deer was about 15 feet away from Scotty and 20 feet away from me.

Scotty stared.

The deer stared.

Scotty stared.

The deer stared.

I said, “Scotty, babe, let’s go.”

Yes, I call my dog ‘babe.’

Scotty trotted behind me, looking over his shoulder and THEN THE DEER FOLLOWED US! Seriously, this deer trailed us through the woods.

So, we stopped.

And Scotty stared.

And the deer stared.

And Scotty stared.

And then the deer pooped. It pooped! IT POOPED!

The problem was the deer pooped while staring at Scotty, which must be a MAJOR insult in the animal world of animal craziness because Scotty went all ballistic and barked at the deer – four deep, amazing barks.

And the deer?

The deer kept pooping.

So, we walked away. The deer followed us another 400 feet until we got to where so Public Works guys were doing Public Works things and then it veered off. I have no idea what this meant, but Scotty clearly does.

Sometimes I wish I were a dog.

My tweets

2013-06-12T12:01:45Z

Tue, 13:11: Family Wanted: Please Apply Now http://t.co/IeWIgLw1ug

Family Wanted: Please Apply Now

2013-06-11T13:11:25Z

So, given the massive amount of people in my family leaving the mortal plan (also known as croaking), I am now feeling kind of family-less.

It is no fun being without a family. Okay. It is much more affordable to not have to buy Christmas presents and birthday presents and Father’s Day and Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day presents and stuff, but who wants life to be affordable really? I think it’s much better to have to buy your dad a random tie or something.

Not like I would buy my dad a random tie. He would just use it to tie back a lilac tree that had low-lying branches or something like that anyway. My dad was a little Hobbit. He appreciated food presents and tweed hats from Ireland and postcards from Hell ( a place in the Caribbean – not the Lucifer hang-out). My mom just pretty much appreciated anything. My grandmothers were cool with flowers and vases and porcelain things.

I have already imported a grandfather, Devyn Burton, who is totally cool as a grandfather despite the fact that he is like 20 or something.

But there are a lot of other openings.

I always wanted to be from one of those super huge families that had 12 kids in it. But my family had 4 and everyone else was a lot older than me (14 years, 15 years and 17 years) so I felt like an only kid.

I still kind of feel that way.

And I always thought that I’d be one of those people who had like five kids to make up for it and I would live on a mountain in a log cabin in a field and somehow not have allergies. I would trade those allergies in for goats or something and a grizzly bear would visit and we would be friends and the grizzly would not want to eat any of my offspring.

Yeah. That didn’t happen either.

But I thought I'd at least have family barbecue events for forever and people sending me birthday cards and calling me at inappropriate hours (prior to noon) to just say hi and complain about things.

So, if you would like to put in an application for sibling status, parent status, or kid status, or grandparent status, feel free. I promise to send you dorky birthday cards and the religious holiday of your preference cards. You have to do the same though or I’ll pout and tell all the other family members that you’re blowing me off and not invite you to Thanksgiving or something.

*Much thanks to Marie Overlock for pretending to be my mother during my Subaru crisis. And to Devyn for always being my grandpa. And to Christine Allard Bristol for volunteering to be my sister. And to Alice Kaiserian for basically offering up her whole family sight unseen. And to Lori Bartlett for offering to be my sister even though she has a whole bunch already. You guys rock.

FAMILY APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

1. Family Member Position You Are Applying for:

2. Reason for Applying:

3. Do you promise to never tell Carrie to stop snorting pixie dust?

4. Do you promise to never accuse her of taking the bigger piece of birthday cake? Or bowl of ice cream?

5. Do you promise to not think she’s a freak if she cries at pretty much every movie ever? If she can’t make it through WAR HORSE? Or any John Green novel? Or, hell, any Charlaine Harris novel either?

6. YAY!

7. Do you promise to love her even if she says “YAY!” far too much for an old person?

8. Do you like dogs?

My tweets

2013-06-11T12:02:02Z

Mon, 14:47: A great guest blog about bullying. This author wants to hear about YOUR experience. Share your story. xo http://t.co/aYFjyw8Xwl @dawnrward
Mon, 14:49: RT @AmazonWatch: We're masters of our destiny & we want what is written in the Constitution of 1988 to be respected. #STOPBeloMonte http://…

My tweets

2013-06-08T12:01:41Z

Fri, 16:06: Friday Five – PHOTO ADDITION http://t.co/QMuvyQkx2n
Sat, 00:34: RT @AmazonWatch: Support the Cause to keep the occupation going. #StopBeloMonte http://t.co/LAkv03xOms http://t.co/W0vkujWQHI
Sat, 00:35: RT @MeanStinks: We’re inspired by @ddlovato and her stand against bullying. RT if you agree that #meanstinks and will #gangupforgood.

Friday Five – PHOTO ADDITION

2013-06-07T16:06:34Z

1. Thank you all for being so nice about my blogging freak-out in the last post. It made me remember how AMAZING people can be. And because I get a lot of emails from reader friends who complain that I only post pictures of my animals and never any of me, here goes. I am no good at taking selfies. Plus, my daughter would kill me if I did, so my recent photos are a wee bit limited. Sorry!

2. This is Gabby and me hanging on the couch. My Facebook friends have already seen this. SORRY! We love each other. She is a bark-a-saurus but then she’s so cuddly that I fail to be angry at her. She works it, that dog. She really does.

3. And this is me hanging out with my friends Nicole and Allison at Pirate’s Cove for a Rotary Minigolf Tournament. We were supposed to be nerd cool or something. I don’t know. We all wore glasses and my awesome friend Alice even popped lenses out of her old glasses so I could wear some. That is how awesome she is, honestly.

You might notice here that we are in the PIRATE CAVE! And Nicole has monster pigtails. And I am crossing my legs like a ballerina with my golf club over my shoulder ready to attack any pirate zombies who may meander in and try to eat us and our glasses and our knee highs and our plaid.

4. I just realized these are all the recent photos I actually have of myself that aren’t selfies (I have two of those taken when I was running to see how much I look like I’m about to die). Also, did you know that autocorrect fixes SELFIES to SELFLESS? Yet, selfies hardly seem selfless. Is autocorrect trying to put a moral indictment on the term SELFIE? Is it saying, “I AM AUTOCORRECT AND I AM SO SICK OF SELFIE BEHAVIOUR AND I WANT SELFLESS BEHAVIOUR FROM NOW ON, DARN IT?”

5. I may like Autocorrect. I am going to give it a British accent and make it sound like Benedict Cumberbatch, the Khan version not the Sherlock version.

My tweets

2013-06-06T12:01:54Z

Wed, 16:02: “Blog,” they said. “You can do it,” they said. http://t.co/wTttmwBCNu

“Blog,” they said. “You can do it,” they said.

2013-06-05T16:02:01Z

So, I my 30-day blog challenge was an epic failure, but I shall blame this on:

1. The fact that I failed.

2. My dad dying.

3. The Boston Marathon.

4. The fact that I failed.

Do you like how I took total responsibility there?

Anyways, I am going to try to not suck at blogging. Do any of you have any ideas? How I can make myself blog? My editors have always been all, “BLOG! BLOG! YOU MUST BLOG!” And I did it all the time back in the 2007-2010 era of Carrie Jones.

I just had an epiphany after that paragraph. The epiphany literally lasted all of two seconds, but I am going to try to logic it out and say that my epiphany was this:

Blogging is like writing fiction and my internal editor is all, “DUDE, NOBODY IS GOING TO WANT TO READ THAT. IT IS BORING. IT IS NOT FUNNY. NEITHER IS IT POIGNANT. YOU ARE NOT JOHN GREEN. YOU DO NOT HAVE NERD FIGHTERS. YOU ARE NOT COOL. DO NOT BLOG. DO NOT BLOG.” My internal editor does that when I write stories, too. However, when I write stories I can shut him up because my internal cheerleader is all, “CAWWIE. IT IS TOTALLY OKAY, BABYCAKES, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TIME TO REVISE AND NOBODY IS GOING TO READ THIS RIGHT AWAY AND FIRST IT WILL BE YOUR AGENT AND 8,000 EDITORS OF AWESOME AND PROOFREADERS. SO DO NOT WORRY. JUST WRITE.”

The problem is that when I blog it is just me spewing. There is no agent reader. There are no editor readers. There is just the immediacy of readers.

That is sort of scary.

So, for right now I am just going to post a picture of my dog. And from now on (if you’ve read this and remembered) whenever you see a random picture of one of my pets, you can think, “OH. CARRIE IS TO WIMPY TO BLOG WITH WORDS TODAY.”

Gabby would like you all to take pity on me.

My tweets

2013-06-05T12:01:53Z

Tue, 14:27: When Lux Aeterna plays, it's like I'm being chased by zombies. Great for increasing my running pace. Not so good for writing lovey scenes.

My tweets

2013-06-04T12:01:56Z

Mon, 18:16: (taken with #fxphotostudio) Marsie's take on Star Trek http://t.co/Xh4er614sf

My tweets

2013-05-31T12:01:55Z

Thu, 13:50: Just completed a 6.12 km run in mission "Paul Revere" of #zombiesrun: collected 13 supplies, outran a zombie mobley http://t.co/ObHWQ0p6jZ

My tweets

2013-05-30T12:01:46Z

Thu, 02:51: @devynburton @the1stdaughter YAY!!!!!!!